The Before....(x2)

 

Well my call should be here any day now. Today I texted Susan Lish (Bishops Wife) to see the status on the papers, she said that I had been assigned and they were just waiting to hear where I was going. I ran out to the mailbox to see if it was there. I knew it was very unlikely for it to come on a Saturday but you just really never know anymore. It was not there. I am just really hoping that it comes on Monday now, I know that its very unlikely but if it comes any day after that I will be at school and it will be torture waiting till Friday to open it.  Jeannie my best friends Mom, told me of a person who recorded there feelings of before there call arrived so this is my way of doing it I guess.

• I freak myself out daily, why? Because I hate secrets, I feel like this secret is being kept between the mailman and everyone else. I try to think of where I will be going, if I will be disappointed in where I have been called, if I will have to learn a new language, or even when I will be leaving. I cannot even focus on school because this takes my mind over and fills every single bit of my brain. I cant focus!!
• I feel very inadequate, I know I do have some time to prepare still, and I am trying to get this last semester over so I can move home and be more focused, but until then I am trying to stay positive. I know that Satan has a lot to do with making me feel like I wont be able to do it, but I also know that the Lord, my heavenly father is, and will be walking by my side every step of the way as well.
• I have having a hard time with the fact that when I have a bad day, I cant pick up my phone and call my best friend Devanne, who always makes things so much better, I can tell anything, understands me at my best, and tell me I am stupid over worrying about a stupid boy.
• My nephews. and Hazzzzyyy Babbyyy. Are. My. World. My life basically revolves around them. I struggle with the fact that Mavryck and Hazy wont even know or remember me when I get home. Even talking on the phone to Trayton can make my day turn around, and Ryder's meows and ruffs as him pretending to be animals play through my mind as I imagine his big blue eyes stare up at me. These kids put the stars in the sky for me and the thought of leaving them breaks my heart to pieces. (this is my main struggle I think).
• Now I am done with the negative
• I am so excited for the fact that I will be able to lead others unto Christ, to let them feel the love that I feel surround me. to teach them the only true church and the gospel that will be able to enrich their lives if they listen and feel the spirit and get baptized.
• I want them to know what a forever family feels like.
• Receive blessings to fulfill and enrich their lives.
• I have a testimony, it could definitely be stronger, but I know what no matter what happens on my mission, that the lord will allow for my testimony to grow in ways that I cannot even imagine. (I want to be able to bear my testimony and not worry about what I will say)
• I want to be able to make just one difference in ONE persons life.

I am super duper excited :) I feel that I do not only want to go on this mission to serve the lord. But I am also excited to learn responsibility, grow up, and learn how to do hard things without my mom. *No offense to my mom I love her help and support and direction.* But I also know its going to take some trial runs to grow up. As much as I love my mom being my best friend, I need to figure some things out on my own I am afraid.

And last but not least, I want to touch on some random things, I am scared when I come home that I will be awkward around boys, I don't want to be the weird returned missionary girl that's awkward to be around. Also when the missionary idea came up I was absolutely against learning a new language, and leaving the country. Now, the idea has grown on me to where I feel that if I don't leave the States that I may just be a little bit disappointed. In state seems safe, out of state seems like a mysterious adventure. I know that I will be happy with wherever I go, its just that I need to know soon before I go absolutely crazy!!!

I always told people that if I was 21 and not married, I would go on a mission. Well the age changed to 19. Here I am going to be 19 in about two months and there is no man close to making me not single anytime soon.  :) so why not a  mission right? I am definitely ready for this adventure and I hope you readers are in for the adventure as well with me.